There was a lot of talk around the 2016 election about my former boss, Hillary Clinton, keeping Democratic emails on a secret server. It turns out that they were hidden in an abandoned toilet bloc on an industrial estate somewhere on the outskirts of Kyiv, Ukraine.
My name is Ed and I worked as Hillary's IT-support guy in the period running up to the great election of 2016. I set the system up, and I know what was on it.
Thankfully, I saw the light as soon as our great savior, Donald John Trump, decided to stand as a Republican candidate. My wimpy blue morphed into a vibrant imperial purple. When he gained the official nomination, having showed grace and refinement in the debates, the purple shifted to an unapologetic red.
I'm ashamed of my life as a dirty Dem, and I'm ashamed of the IT support I gave to "Shillary," but I need to set the record straight.
How is it possible to lose an email server?
People often say, "How is it possible to lose an email server?"
I can see where they're coming from. If you watch movies or the fake news, you'll see images of huge Google data centers, crammed with server racks, flashing lights and bundles of cables. It's easy to think that this is what an email server looks like.
People have literally been sending email since the dinosaurs were alive. The technology was around when Noah was just a boy being spanked by Enoch. You can actually run an email server on a pocket calculator, and then it gets lost when all of the other pocket calculators get put back into the box.
My point is, these servers can be small, and small things are easy to lose. And that's exactly what happened.
If you want to set up an email server for your own Republican political organization, specifically one that can be easily lost, swept under the rug, eaten like homework, or accidentally flushed down the toilet when the Feds come knocking, these are my top picks.
Whether you're Proud Boys, KKK, Three Percenters, QAnon, or Oath Keepers, there's an easily deniable and disposable email server solution out there for you.
Intel NUC series
They look the part and they're basically a full on desktop PC in diminutive packaging. Even better, there are bargains to be had on the second hand market.
The only issue is that Intel NUCs are not easy to lose track of.
Sure, you can hide one behind a houseplant, or disguise it as an actual brick, but your options will be limited if you're in a hurry.
Losability score 2/10
Raspberry Pi 4b.
Grossly overpowered for what we need it to do, this ARM based kit is the size of a credit card.
When the boys in blue come and raid your premises (because they want to take your guns), you can stick it it your MAGA branded wallet and run out of the back door.
Wander through an ethnic part of town and you're sure to be robbed. The email server will likely be sold to atheists in return for crack cocaine and will never be traced back to you.
Despite its diminutive size the Pi 4B can also handle running multiple websites, social media servers, while simultaneously streaming Bruce Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A. and D. W. Griffith's Birth of a Nation.
Storage can either be on external SSD drives or a very swallowable micro SD card.
Losability score 7/10
Raspberry Pi zero
This is my absolute favorite and was actually what I used to set up the Dem email service. It costs exactly $5, and is the size of a postage stamp, so it's easy to lose even when you're not actively trying to lose it.
It can handle thousands of users, and when your calls to insurrection have been met with a call for you to appear in court, simply hide it under a real stamp and mail it to my boy Vlad , who will keep it safe for ya until DJT comes again in glory to judge the living and the dead (His kingdom will have no end).
The Raspberry Pi Zero W is a little more expensive, but can use WiFI as well as ethernet, so you won't be limited to leaving it next to your router.
Losability score 9/10
So, what did happen to the Democratic email server?
So Hillary has these three dog: Seamus, Tally, and Maisie ( who is the cutest curly-haired mutt you ever did see), and they used to visit our headquarters building (Hint: it was never in Kyiv).
One day, Seamus ate some chocolate laced with some unspeakable DRUGS (dems love drugs), he staggered and wobbled and THREW UP on the server. Tally, being an unspeakably vile vomitovore, gobbled the entire thing up.
We believe that the server was eventually shat out in the disgustingly named Malcolm X Park where it doubtless ended up on the vegan sandal of some degenerate liberal transexual.
stay safe out there - Keep your bullets hollow and your facts alternative, Folks!